really?

I really hate it when i have people who try to relate to me or think theyre going through the same thing as me. It happens too often. And really, they arent going through any of the same shit that i am dealing with. Dont get me wrong, i dont think that i've been through the most. I know theres a million people who've had it worse and i should be extremely thankful for the life i have, and i am. Its just certain things people say to me that i get really sensitive about. Sometimes people just sit and complain about how horrible of a situation theyre dealing with and how much they regret a night of drinking with friends. Seriously, if youre having such a hard time getting over something as little as that, good luck with life. Some people can be so sheltered that when something so minor happens, they dont know how to deal. All i can say is that i hate when people come to me about it then. i guess im good at giving advice and and they know ive been through things so im a good perso to talk to and since im going to be  psychiologist i should learn to deal with these people and their issues but its really hard when i've been through so much more and i have to sit and listen to their nonsense. i really cant handle it sometimes. 

A friend told me i really just need to be patient and only talk about light things for awhile because i need to keep it balanced. haha. i like that. This was kind of a vent blog but it was on my mind and i wanted to get it off my chest. 

Other than that, my day was pretty good. 4 more days of school! then christmas :)

KHO

accomplishment for the day

Today was a good day! well i wouldnt say good, but it wasnt bad. i finally got up the nerve to talk to my parents about getting on my meds again. this summer i went cold turkey and just stopped taking them. probably one of the stupidest decisions ive made but i guess you could say im doing pretty well making it this far without them. they agreed to start at a lower dosage to see if it'll help just enough. they dont like it when im on medication because i sleep all the time but i dont have a problem with that. it keeps me from eating. but anyways im kind of a dork for saying this but im excited. im really hoping my meds will help me regain my motivation towards life and if im lucky, release enough endorphins to make me happy again! i was worried because with college coming up, i wanted to start on a good note and be fun to be around and i felt that without my meds, i wouldnt be able to have the college experience i'd like to have. Getting back on my meds is only the beginning though. there is so much more i have going on that i havent talked to them about yet. i have a lot to figure out and a lot to decide. i hope i'll have the courage to talk to my parents again. im just relieved today went well and hopefully tomorrow will too.

KHO

People always leave

"God doesnt give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need, to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you are meant to be."

As much as i agree with this quote, i find that people always leave. It could just be the fact that im really sensitive but i feel like i put my heart out there and i get really close to someone and then shortly after, they leave. I also feel like God is really trying to make me strong by putting a lot of untrustworthy people into my life to test my ability to cope.

My family fosters kids so we have to have the mindset that at one point they're going to leave. Even though im expecting it, its still really hard. You build up such a strong relationship and the minute you actually feel like you truly love them, the dreadful phone call comes saying they have to leave. The hardest part is to try to explain to them where theyre going and where they will be living. Most of the kids we get are too young to understand, but for the few who do, who you really felt a connection with, are the ones that are the hardest for me to get over. 

I also never really had a dependable friend, someone i could really trust. And i know everyones had their fare-share of friendships gone wrong but i feel like that constantly happens with me. People always leave me or betray me. The few close friends that i did have though were here long enough for me to feel attached and then left for college.

I also can be too open. Many people come into my life and right away i assume i can trust them and that theres a possibility that we could get close. I share too much too soon and end up regretting my decision to tell them anything. I know its my fault but also im just trying to find someone who i can relate too. A lot of things in life cant be handled alone and its alway nice to have a friend for support and advice. 

Dont get me wrong, im lucky enough to have one friend that has stuck by me through a lot. Unfortunately i didnt get to meet her early enough but she has been there for me and given me support and advice. shes always there to just listen too but shes not that close. Shes away at college, has life-long friends of her own and to me, seems like she really has her life together. I feel like im holding her back at times and its hard when shes not here with me trying to make it through each day.

I also know that God has put seasonal friends in my life. Ive had people who during a difficult period in my life had been there for me through it all and then left immediately after, as im sitting there wondering where the hell they went or what im going to do without them. I need to realize who those certain people are and learn to let them go. 

In my experiences with people in general, ive learned that i can trust no one. Ive learned that i cant let my gaurd down and that i have to pick and choose what i say. Ive also learned to try not to get attached to people because i have to keep in mind that they will leave. I know everyone leaves at one point or another but i just have to be cautious with my feelings because i have a hard time when peolpe leave and im sick of my heart being torn apart. I also have to keep an open mind and not try to shut everyone out of my life. Its hard to do both though. I also have to realize that God will put someone in my life or let someone back into my life eventually. I just have to be patient and know that everything happens for a reason. As for now, i am strong enough to deal with things daily on my own but i know at one point i wont be able to stand by myself. 

KHO

My Morning

Ever have so much going through your head at once that you cant even focus on one particular thing? Thats what happened to me this morning. It came with the lack of motivation, inability to think about the day ahead, and the sudden mood swings. I didnt want to get out of bed, didnt feel like getting dressed and most definitely didnt want to go to school. I was short-tempered and every little thing that went wrong frustrated me. I had so many thoughts going through my head that i became really anxious. I usually can handle it but i think it was just a build up of everything that sometimes i break. As a result, on my way to school, i had to pull over and throw up. I know, disgusting, im sorry. I was feeling so low and so stressed and so anxious that i got sick. Its happened before but this time it came so fast. Luckily i brought my lunch so i was able to use the bag. I didnt make it that far from my house so i turned around and headed home. My mom knew it was anxiety so she let me go back to sleep, hoping it would clear my mind. It did and after missing my first 3 hours of school, i was able to make it for painting. I'm still feeling anxious today but definitely not as bad as this morning.

I hope that wasnt too much. I'm not going to explain what was going through my head, thats what my journals for but i did want to write about my morning.

On a good note, my parents are going out of town this weekend. they leave thursday morning. its going to be so nice to have space and do my own thing. I planned a ton so i can stay busy and not do someting stupid to break their trust. Hopefully it'll work!

KHO

Monday

Today was a very long day. I had a lot of things going through my head. Im really stressing over the college situation. I still havent heard back from any other colleges besides northern iowa but when i do, ill have to decide if im going to stay close to home or go far away. My 4 colleges i want to attend are arizona state, san diego state, northern iowa or kentucky. Im so indecisive when it comes to things like this and i just dont know what to do or where i want to go. I guess the only thing i can do now is pray about it. I know God has a plan for my life and where ill be going so i should leave it up to him. Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind. i need to trust Him. It sounds a lot easier than it actually is though. 

Im also struggling with some issues that seem to control my life. I cant seem to overcome it and i try everything before i go to God. I dont know why. i think maybe because it helps me realize nothing can change me except through God. idk. it just sucks cuz some nights are really hard and i try to get through it on my own but i cant. 

So about this book i want to write about. well, i want to write about my life, but i want to do it in a story so its not a biography or anything. a fiction book. about the life of a girl and the struggles and situations shes dealt with and how she overcomes the fear, guilt and shame. I want to make it personal but in a way that its still just a fictional character and not me (even though it is haha) i hope that makes sense. I want it to be an inspirational book that no matter what you go through, God will help you out of it and hes your only hope. I want it to show that you can try many different ways to cope and deal with pain such as drinking, drugs, self-harm or boys but nothing can fill that void in yourself except God. idk. just an idea for right now since i cant write. but we'll see.

That brings me to my next issue. I really need to build myself up, not in a selfish way, but just all around be positive because a friend once told me that the more you compliment yourself and build yourself up as a person, the easier it'll be to believe it in the future. Even if you dont believe it, keep telling yourself and believeing in yourself. It can only bring out the positive. i struggle with that a lot and i always bring myself down but its a goal for me this month to only say something if its positive or benefits someone else. 

well its getting late and im tired. i still have a lot on my mind so ill probably write tomorrow. night. KHO

Thanksgiving Weekend

I havent had time to write but ive been meaning to write for a couple days. Sadly thanksgiving break is ending and i have no motivation to go back to school. I went shopping on friday at 5 to get the door busters. It was super fun, especially since i went with my cousin Jay who i havent seen since august! He goes to Calvin College in Michigan. I saw a lot of my friends that day actually. My friend Devan goes to Dominican in New York and it was really hard at first when she left for college. I havent seen her since august either so it was so nice to finally see her again. I also saw my friends sammie, jack, ellie, britta, ayo and a couple other people. It was good to see them but also bad. I have a really hard time when people leave. To me, it seems like people always leave and when im finally able to move on, deal with it and know things will never be the same, they come back. and i get thoughts of all the memories and fun times we use to have. it made me really sad friday because its like theyre all moving on with their lives and meeting new people, living on their own, idk just growing up. and im stuck, having to get through this year, not really moving forward, not meeting new people and living the same 'ol life they all got away from. Idk, maybe its just jealousy but i really wish i could be where theyre at.

Yes, i saw ellie again. it was so good to see her! i had a bad night on thanksgiving (thanksgiving was fun, it was just my thoughts at night i couldnt control) and i talked to her. She always makes me feel better even if she doesnt say much. I miss being close with her but shes matured so much, met her lifelong friends and has an amazing boyfriend! so im hoping when i go to college ill grow up as well and be able to get to where she is at so we can become close again, or maybe not idk. Joel Osteen said people come into your life and leave. theyre considered seasonal friends and if they leave, it was meant to happen. Im just hoping thats not the case for her.

I also had a tennis tournament saturday and sunday. It was doubles and my partner was Benetta Jones. We got second! we should have gotten first but we were really rusty.

Last thing thats on my mind. I really wish i was a good writer. I want to write a book so bad. i know exactly what i want to write about, i just am not very good at writing so when i try, it always seems so sloppy and unintelligent. It may just be me but idk. I do need to figure out how to become a better writer so maybe one day i can write a book. We'll see.

KHO

my day

Today was not an eventful day. I actually had a really late night last night. I was up doing bad habits and thinking too much, but thats kinda how every weekend goes for me. Anyways, because of my night, i slept in till 11:30 which felt good. i went downstairs to help my mom get ready for thanksgiving to try to get my mind off of things. I feel like no matter what, i cant control my thoughts or turn them off so i try to stay as busy as possible. I went to Barnes and Noble too. Im looking for a book about all religions and their beliefs. I want to be able to defend my faith especially when ill be going to college next year. I also feel like i need to grow in my faith. Its not as strong as id like it to be and when i get really low, i need to be able to rely on God and not on other people because people come into my life and leave and God is the only one that stays constant. but i struggle with that. ANYWAYS, i got accepted to Northern Iowa today and also got a 4,000 dollar scholarship! Its not my first choice, its my third but im super relieved because at least i have a backup. 

I talked to my friend Ellie. Shes two years older than me and really strong in her faith. She also has a boyfriend whom she turned christian! that sentence doesnt sound like it made sense but you know what i mean. Shes really matured over the past two years. When i was a sophomore and she was a senior, we went on a mission trip and we became really close. She helped me with a lot of issues i was dealing with and shes always been there for me since. I really look up to her and today i got to talk to her. She seems to always know what to say and she always has answers but today she didnt have all the answers. and because of what we were talking about, it worries me. but i know in the end she'll make the right decision. She always does. 

The night just consisted of painting and then going to my twin brother, Andrews game. He lost. 

Its 1:10 and i decided to write on here to prevent myself from thinking too much. I dont really know how this works or how people read or comment but if you can, you should! k night. KHO

Labyrinth of Suffering

yes i have more. i just recently finished a book, Looking For Alaska. it has such a deeper meaning to it and i wrote down some quotes from the book that i really liked and that really applies to my life:

How will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?

"Its not life or death, the labyrinth. Suffering, doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. Thats the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about living or dying."

"Theres always suffering. Suffering is universal. It's the only thing Buddhist, Christian, and Muslims are all worried about."

"You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about ow you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."

"We had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth. There are so many of us who would have to live with things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we cant know better until knowing better is useless."

Fate

this is my first blog! im not exactly sure how this works but im just going to write my thoughts and feelings on here, feel free to read or comment!

i was thinking about this the other day. fate. do i believe in fate? I dont know if i do or not. i know God has a plan for me and how i am going to die but because of free will, can that change? if there is fate, does that mean that He can decide when and how i die and nothing can stop it from happening? but doesnt God have a plan for everyone and people still turn and deny Him?