She

Found this and thought i'd share..

I know this girl. She is strong but fragile on the inside. She worries but never lets it show. To the world life is perfect, and perfect is what it will remain. There are days when I see her smile stretched from ear to ear, and those white teeth almost blinding me from the truth… and there, as I look a little closer I can see the glistening of her hurting soul trying to escape from those perfect almond shaped eyes. The tears were building up. Battle after battle with herself, she cried on the inside. Afraid to let go. Quick on her feet. She was always ready to run. It was her specialty. She would run to new beginnings, new ideas, new reasons, anything new just to have that fresh start. I look at her and I see the hurt she carries. Its wearing her thin and its beginning to show. With each step she takes its almost like a layer of skin that is slowly decomposing to nothing. This emptiness shadows her every move. She is lost.

Hate Over Hurt

i have a hard time being okay with someone who hurt me..i mean that in the sense that i will learn to hate someone because its easier than the hurt of losing them or the idea of really loving someone. There are too many times where i have to stop think, is this person really worth all the effort of hating at all?

i need to refocus that energy into something that makes me happy instead..like painting, my friendships, my family. Forgiveness is something i need to work on too because from what i have heard, the hate will hurt you more than them anyways.

"The opposite of love is not hate ....it is indifference.
By holding the anger you have relinquished control to the person you are angry at.
To regain control you should forgive ...yes but you should also diminish how you feel for the person
until it becomes indifference.
Before you can forgive this person you have to forgive yourself for your allowing it to happen.
You are just as responsible as this person is for the outcome and you are aware of that truth."

Sensitivity

I've had a lot of time on my hands the past two days...mainly because my thoughts have gone haywire..resulting in numerous failed attempts to study..or focus for that matter. I want to say that these past days have been easy for me but they havent. The past couple of years ive found that i am a very sensitive person..as much as i dont want to be, i am. I come off as a person who can handle whatever life throws at me..i can take on anyone who needs help or advice, i can handle peoples shit they say to me, i can put myself in situations for others that could affect my overall well being, i can work through experiences with people being their strong right hand..but in all reality, i bring those experiences and situations home with me..i carry burdens i should have left behind long ago.

Dont get me wrong, i usually ask for it and a lot of the time, i like to share that closeness with someone. I dont know what it is about me, but something about me allows people to open up so quickly and trust me. i like to hear peoples stories and experiences, i try to find meaning and inspiration through it as well as sharing my perspective to help them any way possible, but a lot of the time, that opens the door to vulnerability for me. I think this plays into why i am such a deep thinker.

When i have time for myself, i tend to think about someone i had an encounter with in one of my classes, i think of my family, i think of my friends, i think about myself and what people have said to me...usually something will provoke a strong feeling in me which leads to a deeper thinking of why? or how? or what was the reasoning behind this? i catch myself falling into a state of sadness. Why did she say that about me? Why did they take L away? Why does S have epilepsy? How can I help K see how beautiful she really is? What was the reasoning behind T situation? Experiences and people, big or small, affect me on such a deeper level than it probably should..even events that have long passed can still find a way to stir things up in my heart..maybe its because i have a big heart...or maybe im just very hypersensitive with too much time on my hands. i dont know.

I have met the most AMAZING people in my life. ive heard the most outrageous stories of grief, sadness, redemption, freedom..all of which have influenced my life in one way or another. Most of these stories have stayed with me and just thinking about them stirs up emotions of all sorts. i think a lot of it, along with my experiences in life have made me into a very emotional and sensitive person.

I dont like to be very emotional. I try not to be, telling myself "crying shows youre weak." granite i know it isnt always a bad thing but for me, showing my emotional side makes me vulnerable with the people around me and i am not one to trust people easily..but working on not being so emotional means not being as sensitive to the things i hear and the things people say.

"I like to think my hypersensitivity to whatever is going on around me plays a big part in my emotional unbalance i find myself in."

Just thoughts ive been thinking tonight because i am alone thinking about a few recent situations.

i would like to reiterate that it IS good to be emotional at times because eveyone deserves to feel what they feel..and its a comfort when you have friends you can trust and be okay with feeling vulnerable around..it makes a huge impact! being able to share that closeness with people you look up to and love is such a blessing and their burdens are burdens i want to carry and share with them. i have found that particularily this year with a few people and feel so greatful to be able to share and grow with them..more or less do life with them.

Everything Happens for a Reason

I have been in deep thought lately..really thinking and trying to understand that there is a purpose for everything. I am thinking about my neighbor who's been missing..where he is and if he is okay. Ive also been thinking a lot about my brother who is leaving next week to go live with his aunt. Because of the details i have been told about the house and his living conditions, i just dont see how he has a shot at life. I lay awake at night and struggle with the thoughts of why things like this happen in the world...why the people i love have to get the bitter end of the deal. I just dont see how theres a reason behind this madness. yes, i constantly hear "just pray about it and let God take the rains.." but im sick of standing on the sidelines and just watching this happen over and over again (1) Some of the kids who come into my house and i have the privlidge to love end up having to go to a place less loving, less encouraging and full of fear. If i hold onto the idea that everything happens for a reason, does that make it okay to know the pain and fear my loved ones go through and just go on with my life as if life is beautiful and great?

I was told once that the human brain likes to find connections between things, so even it something random were to happen, people will see a connection between events.

"Some things are random in life and others, which appear to be random, aren't. One can gleem something, some purpose from seemingly random events. I don't think everything that happens is random--there are connections. Also, some are able to recognize something well beyond the surface--these individuals are more self-actualized, while others basically subscribe to the philosophy that is more commonly shared."

(1)While writing this i found comfort by a text from a friend in the way she views this idea..."I like to think that i am not in control of my life or anyone elses life but that i have an influence in the way some things or events happen. I dont want all the control because if i fail or mess up, i dont want to live with that guilt.

Overall, i think it comes down to me. I can choose to act on the reality of my life with deep thought, intentions and rage or i can choose to react to this life that is happening now. i can choose to love and reach out instead of wallow in my sorrows of how horrible this life can be. I can choose to understand that i am not in control and as much as id like to control the events of my loved ones, the reality is that i cant and i have to instead think of how i can better a situation by loving, caring, or just being present in a room. The phrase "Everything happens for a reason" may be true and its just harder for me to recognize the lesson behind it, but either way, submerging myself in deep thought will only lead to more pain and anger.

Pain is a part of life and if i dont experience it, i will never be able to fully appreciate the feeling of joy and happiness..just wish it didnt have to manifest through the people i love..

Thoughts for the day

Life is unpredicatable. things happen so i can appreciate the better things to come. people come into my life to teach me something about myself i have never seen before. opportunities arise when i least expect them to and with everything that i am faced with, school, friends, family..ive come to find that i have to take this life one minute at a time, and live in that moment. I am chosen to live in this world for some special purpose that i have yet to know..but i have to hold onto that hope of realizing that the things i have experienced and the people ive met will all come together and shed light on a dark world.

just thoughts that came to mind :)

KHO

2010

It's my sophomore year at UK now. School is very very difficult and I am having a hard time staying motivated. I do love it here. I met so many amazing people this year already that i know will have a place in my heart forever.

My 20th birthday was wednesday and Kat Von D wished me a happy birthday on the phone :) probably the greatest thing that has happened to me!

Hmm, well, i guess i can say at this point that I am doing much better with things. I recently had a relapse but i havent let that hinder my progress. A lot has happened here in Kentucky since I've moved back. one situation in particular has changed my view on life and people. I was out partying with friends a couple weeks ago and one of my friends went home to find a man in her apartment who assaulted her and left her there too die. It wasn't until the next morning her roommate found her and took her to the hospital. He had broken many bones in her cheeks, fractured her skull, broke her hand, and had made many bruises with swelling....i can honestly say, seeing her in the hospital a week after it happened was the most horrifying thing i have ever experienced.

Her assault has made me think more about life and people in general....yes i have been through some real shitty situations and i have seen and experienced horrible things but i just..i dont know...i guess in a way i just assumed that things would happen to me but not anyone close to me...and now that i have seen how another person has hurt my friend so much, it makes me angry. it makes me hate this world and the people in it. It has made me realize that there are so many more messed up people in the world than i thought. i cant believe someone would want to hurt someone so bad.

I have softened my heart a lot since the incident though and have talked to God about it. I know this world isnt perfect and horrifying things happen like this to people everyday. i just cant wait to get away from all this!

I thought about so much that i wanted to write about but i cant remember so that will have to wait until the morning.

Update on life

i havent written in over a year! and looking back at this, i thought id start to write again. whats been going on...well first off, i was allowed to go Kentucky and Im just finishing up my first year! woot woot! its been a rollercoaster but i have met the greatest friends, found an amazing church and could consider this my new home. ive learned a lot about myself this year and who i am. Ive also been able to experience what its like to have true friendships and do life with real people. I wasn't looking forward to coming home for summer at all until recently. I met the most beautiful person ever! and now i cant wait to come home to spend the summer with her :) i like her a lot! shes perfect.

I also was reading another persons blog which i found so so comical. i find it so funny how much people think theyre goign through or how horrible they think their lives are. and it was funny cuz of the same titles of blogs and endings..whatever ha. they will grow up sometime.

anyways i get butterflies everytime she smiles at me...we will be skyping soon again! finals will kick my ass this week but its so hard to concentrate when you have someone on your mind all the time! :)

oh and im still working through my whole healing thing but its nothing like it use to be so life is great! holler at a player.