Sensitivity

I've had a lot of time on my hands the past two days...mainly because my thoughts have gone haywire..resulting in numerous failed attempts to study..or focus for that matter. I want to say that these past days have been easy for me but they havent. The past couple of years ive found that i am a very sensitive person..as much as i dont want to be, i am. I come off as a person who can handle whatever life throws at me..i can take on anyone who needs help or advice, i can handle peoples shit they say to me, i can put myself in situations for others that could affect my overall well being, i can work through experiences with people being their strong right hand..but in all reality, i bring those experiences and situations home with me..i carry burdens i should have left behind long ago.

Dont get me wrong, i usually ask for it and a lot of the time, i like to share that closeness with someone. I dont know what it is about me, but something about me allows people to open up so quickly and trust me. i like to hear peoples stories and experiences, i try to find meaning and inspiration through it as well as sharing my perspective to help them any way possible, but a lot of the time, that opens the door to vulnerability for me. I think this plays into why i am such a deep thinker.

When i have time for myself, i tend to think about someone i had an encounter with in one of my classes, i think of my family, i think of my friends, i think about myself and what people have said to me...usually something will provoke a strong feeling in me which leads to a deeper thinking of why? or how? or what was the reasoning behind this? i catch myself falling into a state of sadness. Why did she say that about me? Why did they take L away? Why does S have epilepsy? How can I help K see how beautiful she really is? What was the reasoning behind T situation? Experiences and people, big or small, affect me on such a deeper level than it probably should..even events that have long passed can still find a way to stir things up in my heart..maybe its because i have a big heart...or maybe im just very hypersensitive with too much time on my hands. i dont know.

I have met the most AMAZING people in my life. ive heard the most outrageous stories of grief, sadness, redemption, freedom..all of which have influenced my life in one way or another. Most of these stories have stayed with me and just thinking about them stirs up emotions of all sorts. i think a lot of it, along with my experiences in life have made me into a very emotional and sensitive person.

I dont like to be very emotional. I try not to be, telling myself "crying shows youre weak." granite i know it isnt always a bad thing but for me, showing my emotional side makes me vulnerable with the people around me and i am not one to trust people easily..but working on not being so emotional means not being as sensitive to the things i hear and the things people say.

"I like to think my hypersensitivity to whatever is going on around me plays a big part in my emotional unbalance i find myself in."

Just thoughts ive been thinking tonight because i am alone thinking about a few recent situations.

i would like to reiterate that it IS good to be emotional at times because eveyone deserves to feel what they feel..and its a comfort when you have friends you can trust and be okay with feeling vulnerable around..it makes a huge impact! being able to share that closeness with people you look up to and love is such a blessing and their burdens are burdens i want to carry and share with them. i have found that particularily this year with a few people and feel so greatful to be able to share and grow with them..more or less do life with them.