Stuck in Time

You know, you go through so much shit in your life but you hold on to the hope that sooner or later you can get out of here and start over. I've finally come to that point that ive been anxiously awaiting and im not going anywhere. i still have to live another whole year here seeing the same people, visiting the same places and living with the same memories i only wish i could forget. Dont get me wrong, UWM is a great school and one of my closest friends Katie is going there but I had such big dreams of going to North Carolina, Kentucky or California. and i understand that i can always transfer but ive lived here long enough. i want out. I was so looking forward to Kentucky. Everything about it made me happy. And not many things in life can do that.

I'm glad that after this weekend, im closer to my parents. They believe me, they understand but i guess theres a consequence for everything and its that i have to stay in this shit hole for another year. 

Its crazy that in a period of 4 days i can go from having my life planned out, to not having a life at all, to then having to live the same life ive been living for another year. And the UWM dorms are already full. I guess i shouldnt be surprised. Im use to disappointment. I should have known. 

I just wish God could show me why this is happening. Why it has to happen to me. Its not fair. What is his plan? Where is my life going?

Fort Wilderness

I just got back from a church retreat! To be honest, i wasnt expecting it to be anything special considering my friends werent going to be there :( but! Mollie, Vicki and Jill (my youth leaders) all went and i couldnt have been happier. I have to say that i really let a lot of my feelings and emotions out this weekend. I cant tell if it was a good thing or bad thing. ill explain.

so Saturday night we had a session and it was a confession with communion. i wasnt feeling too hot because i had already a lot on my mind. My youth pastor, Tom, had us let go of something that is controlling our life and give it to God. I think if youre reading this, you probably know what i was going to give up, but the thing is, i was scared. I was scared because i dont think i can fully give it to God. I dont think i have enough trust in God and in myself that i can let go of it completely. Its scary to think that i will have to find new ways to cope and that i dont have that to fall back on. So i was feeling kind of crummy. and then i was apoligizing to God for SO many things and old memories and experiences kept intruding on my time with God and i couldnt focus. and then two girls left to go pray with eachother and i desperately wished i had someone who could have been with me at that very moment. i got very emotional.

After, we had a breakout session and we talked about everything that happened. I sat in silence because i cant relate to anyone and i cant express how i feel because without knowing certain aspects of my life, people tend to think im crazy or emotionally messed up, which in a way i am, but not the point. 

One of my youth leaders, Mollie, pulled me aside later and we talked for about, maybe an hour? im not sure but it was very late. {Side Note: Earlier that day, she said she wanted to know my story because she saw some dark pictures i drew in my book. I was hesitant at first, but i think everyone should be able to talk about their story and the things theyve been through, so i wanted to share with her. and yes i got that from RW Brooklyn.} Anyways, I didnt talk much because what we were talking about was really painful, but she made me feel less alone and more comfortable. I told her things that ive never told any of my close friends. she could relate too which made a huge difference. I felt so relieved that i could talk to her about it. She actually listened to me and even said things that i wasnt able to say in words. Its hard to explain but i was really glad i had her to talk to.

I went to bed uneasy though. I was afraid and somewhat upset. I had thoughts that maybe she didnt believe me since no one ever beleives me and also that she'd tell my parents or someone i dont want to know that about me. I know she wouldnt do that and im okay with the other girl youth leaders but i really hope thats all! i also felt uneasy because ive never really told anyone the heavy stuff like that and i felt like maybe i should have kept that to myself, but overall, i did need to let it out and now i have a goal this week: To talk to my parents and get counseling. Its going to be very nerve-wrecking since my college plans are on the line and im afraid of what they'll say when they find out im still not healthy. so idk. we'll see, but im glad i have Mollie to hold me accountable. I just hope i dont regret telling her what i told her. 

Anyways, that was the juicy news of what happened this weekend. I hope this week is good! We'll see...

36

KHO

Day Thirty!

Today is day 30. that means that i have been completely free of an old and painful habit that only by God's strength have i been able to go this long without doing! im really proud of myself and my friends are proud of me. im so lucky to have a great support group. its a new record! anyways, through all of this, ive realized that i need to focus more on other people and doing good things for other people. I cant sit and dwell on the past and myself, it will get me nowhere in life. i also dont want to be considered as self-absorbed. so thats my goal for this month: to focus on others rather than my delinquent self.
Schools been the usual but TOMORROW. oh man. tomorrow. not only is there free grand slam breakfast at Denny's but for lunch...wait for it...MOCK CHICKEN LEGS. im crazy about those things. i remember trying stephanies for the first time last year and falling in love so i always think of her. shout out to you girl! i love you.
Today, my wonderful, beloved friend Kayla made a Day 30 note for me and left it in my first hour for me to get when i went to class! it made my day and also made me realize how much i take my friends for granted. i am so lucky to have friends like her and i really need to embrace that. does that sound stupid? idk. but its such a good feeling to know there are people out there wanting to fight my battles with me, and kaylas one of them. i couldnt have been in a better mood.
I was also watching Oprah today, it was about the boy who plotted to kill his family; i had another reality check. i need to be so much more greatful for my life, my family and my relationships. i dont cherish them enough. There are so many people who have little to nothing compared to what i have and i really need to take it to heart.

okay, im done. it was a good day.
Philippians 3:13-14

KHO

Go Wildcats!

Great news. I was accepted at Kentucky! im so excited. nervous, but excited. Im hoping to major in psychology and minor in art so i can do art therapy! i feel kind of bad saying that because i got the idea from a friend and im sorry! but its really what i have a passion for. anyways. i have this written in one of my notebooks and i wanted to put it on here...

The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable yo are of loving in the present. You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. You have the power to chose what you think about. If you chose to think about past hurts, you will continue to feel bad. While its true you cant change the effect past influences hold on you once- you can change the effect they have on you now. Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that inst you- all of the expectations, all of the beliefs- and becoming who you are.

I like to read that a lot. Not for me but because i feel like its really good advice i could give to someone in time of need or someone who is having trouble forgiving themselves. Speaking of time of need, i wish there was something i could do for Ellie. I hate the thought of not being there for her and thats exactly what im doing. I hope that in the future i can be there for her but for now ill just pray because im not sure what to do. I love her so much!

KHO

Battles

As does the pain of being alone, and the pain of keeping it all inside, and the pain of always feeling just short of adequate. As soon as the bell rings, she grabs her purse, the remainder of her belongings, and rushes to the bathroom. Stall door locked behind her, she hastly removes the pocket-sized fingernail clippers from the inside zipper pocket of her purse. Without hesitation, she viciously begins to slice away the skin on her wrists and arms, which already are decorated with scabs and scars from her last self-injury. To Amy, it's the only way she can gain some amount of control in her life. Tears didn't fill her eyes, no sound of pain was emitted. In fact, the only feeling she felt was control.

Infinite, absolute control.


KHO