Monday

Today was a very long day. I had a lot of things going through my head. Im really stressing over the college situation. I still havent heard back from any other colleges besides northern iowa but when i do, ill have to decide if im going to stay close to home or go far away. My 4 colleges i want to attend are arizona state, san diego state, northern iowa or kentucky. Im so indecisive when it comes to things like this and i just dont know what to do or where i want to go. I guess the only thing i can do now is pray about it. I know God has a plan for my life and where ill be going so i should leave it up to him. Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind. i need to trust Him. It sounds a lot easier than it actually is though. 

Im also struggling with some issues that seem to control my life. I cant seem to overcome it and i try everything before i go to God. I dont know why. i think maybe because it helps me realize nothing can change me except through God. idk. it just sucks cuz some nights are really hard and i try to get through it on my own but i cant. 

So about this book i want to write about. well, i want to write about my life, but i want to do it in a story so its not a biography or anything. a fiction book. about the life of a girl and the struggles and situations shes dealt with and how she overcomes the fear, guilt and shame. I want to make it personal but in a way that its still just a fictional character and not me (even though it is haha) i hope that makes sense. I want it to be an inspirational book that no matter what you go through, God will help you out of it and hes your only hope. I want it to show that you can try many different ways to cope and deal with pain such as drinking, drugs, self-harm or boys but nothing can fill that void in yourself except God. idk. just an idea for right now since i cant write. but we'll see.

That brings me to my next issue. I really need to build myself up, not in a selfish way, but just all around be positive because a friend once told me that the more you compliment yourself and build yourself up as a person, the easier it'll be to believe it in the future. Even if you dont believe it, keep telling yourself and believeing in yourself. It can only bring out the positive. i struggle with that a lot and i always bring myself down but its a goal for me this month to only say something if its positive or benefits someone else. 

well its getting late and im tired. i still have a lot on my mind so ill probably write tomorrow. night. KHO